let's cut the bullshit and get to living

Weekend that was much needed. Laughs. Fun. Ice cream. Family. Frogs.

Cancer worries into careless days

As much as I try to not let it affect me and keep a stone serious face about it all, I can't. Josh is one of my best friends and every time I hear him joke about his cancer I cringe a little. Of course I laugh and glow as him and Paulie share an obvious "i want you hard" Stare. Deep down though the scary creeps back up and gives me a quick poke in the stomach. I want him to be happy and since he broke up with Brooke and found out he has cancer he's been different. A new kind of josh. He's constantly having, dare I say it, Fun?

Its weird in a way. Not so much him and Paulie but just how it has all has come together. I am done worrying about Brooke and whatever that is. I am done really caring about anything that has nothing to do with me personally. I just don't care to be pursuing anything that isn't going to better my life. My relationships are not going to be shallow and they will all be meaningful. You want to cause drama...get the fuck out. You want to talk shit about that person, Im gonna leave the room. You want to do what when and where, don't care until it comes to that point. I let go of my anger and bitterness a long time ago and ill be damned if one little girl is going to throw me off that path.

I am pumped to see Bane at Fucking awesome fest in about a week and a half

UP in three weeks

Dan and Tiffany will be here soon and Im going to cry tears of joy and thankfulness at them for being the one constant stable friends we've ever had. That is another weird thing. Its amazing to have people who you can say they're your best friends and no matter how much time goes by you see can them and its like no time has gone by. I miss them. I actually called Dan a few weeks ago and talk to him about everything. All he could do is laugh and say that he's sad he's missing all the fun. ::smirk:: He would say that.

I am happy. For some weird reason things aren't as bad as I felt they would be. I was hurt by all of this at first but...after sometime the last time this happened it didn't even matter. I got over it and met new friends. SPEAKING of which Jammers and Kristin will be hanging out when we get home sometime next week. They went to eat with Paulie the other day and she talked to them about it. Hopefully I can get a bike from that good sir.

Vacations are much needed.

BEAT THIS CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Isn't it weird

You are still a coward and you still deflect personal responsibility for your actions on everyone and everything else. Your boyfriend can also go fuck himself. He as well as you have no idea who we are as people or a friends. If you honestly can make yourself believe that we shouldn't be friends because you are like an addict and we are the reason you fell back into YOUR old ways, then you have bigger problems.

Enough with that bullshit though.

One of my best friends has Cancer. Colon cancer and I cried at work about then I cried on him after work. About brooke, about cancer, about everything and I hate it. Pms is a bitch.

Mike, I, Nevets, and Mike Thomas all went out with Josh to get pizza and talked about it. Laughing really is the best medicine. Nothing like a good dose of a life or death situation to really ground you and to show you whats important. I love Josh so much and I am so glad that we are still friends. I called my mother today and she's part of the american cancer society and told me that if Josh needs anything then to call her. Apparently she has friends in high places. It made me feel a little bit better but ::shrugs:: Its hard to feel better when you friend is sick with something very serious. I am glad he has Paulette even thought I still feel awkward about it. He said today all she does is make him smile and that made me smile.

August seems like it could be promising. Mikes birthday is on the third so I invited everyone to Fish Bones. Josh is gonna love it because its a New Orleans based. Mike was also talking about Benihana. I just said no on that. I wanna go to something different. Jonny at work said that he LOVES Fish Bones and if Mike likes seafood that is the place to go.

We are going to the pictured rocks in the UP in the third week of August. I am so excited. We are going to swim and Kayak and ride bikes. If Josh isn't indisposed we invited him to go. I guess if Paulette is with him then she can come too. She is coming up north this weekend. ::makes face::

Please God. Help Josh survive Cancer. It would mean more to me then...anything. <3

there is weight in the words we’ve said
too heavy to carry in our heads
There is weight in the words we've said
To heavy to carry in our heads
there’s a chance that I thought had gone
but here we are, playing along
I admit I’m scared
so fragile, emotionally impaired (hopeless)
damaged goods
so broken, so misunderstood
(wreckless and careless)
and I can see
that rain cloud that follows me
looks like the one that follows you
and the same ghosts that keep me awake haunt your nights just the same
all dressed up in black and grey
we know each other just the same
and every mile that sits between
won’t understand what it means
to have one look mean everything
and throw all caution to the sea
I have faith in us if we don’t self destruct

Come and open up your folding chair

Lately things have taken a turn for the weird. By weird I mean things I am not prepared to deal with. (Paulette if you ever read this I am not trying to offend you just trying to...get it off my chest.)

Brooke n I haven't talked in over a week. I am going to assume we aren't talking. Mike let me read the emails they had...::makes face:: whatever. The point is that Paulette and Josh are talking...and by talking I mean...cuddling and hanging out late at night and its weirding me out. This whole fucked up situation is freaking me out. I want Josh to be happy. In fact I want all of them to be happy. I just don't want to feel weird about this shit.

The reason why I feel weird is because regardless of how Brooke feels, I still feel loyalty to her. Josh can talk shit about her and Ill feel weird. He can talk to Kayla and Ill feel weird. Now he will hangout with Paulette and be...weird. No matter what Ima feel weird about all of this because i still love and care for Brooke. I want her to be with Josh still if that makes sense and if she's not going to be then for him to find someone outside of our situation to make it with because this is all making me feel guilty.

Obviously this all selfishness talking because really this is none of my decision. Brooke chose this path and now Josh is choosing this one...I just wish that I could feel ok about it all. I just feel uneasy. Like everyone around me has lost their mother fucking minds and are making retarded decisions that will eventually blow up in their faces. NOT to mentions that maybe this whole Josh and Paulette thing is out of spite. I mean that could happen, right?

Nothing is making sense to me at this current moment. Everything is feeling...wrong and uncomfortable. I have a lot of shit going on with school, work, mikes aunt. Really I just don't want to give a fuck and let all the pieces fall where they may. Some how I am still involved in this shit. Paulette texts me every day about this Josh shit. Really I just want to be like Paulie I just don't want to be involved because Brookes my friend and thats HER ex and....whatever. However how can I say that when Brooke has made it clear how she feels and has left this friendship for the second time. I guess I just want to have never been involved.

FUCK all of this. I just want to feel alright again.

Paid my bills now i can shine

I read a blog that has been doing things they are grateful for. I think there is a specific number but I am not going to go in search of it or anything. So I was thinking of doing the same. Ive been rather down and I am tried of feeling that way no matter who weird or confused I really am about this WHOLE fucked up situation. So here I am. Ill do TEN things I am grateful for right now before I get to work.

Ten things I am TRUELY grateful for.

1. Michael Forbush. I was going to say the whole family but with Mike I feel there is no real reason to put them. Mike has stood by me through...a lot. The drama, the heartache, the bad luck, everything. Mike, to me, Is home. My best friend and confidant. God gave me him when I prayed so hard for a friend and I received something so much more...a partner. <3 I love him
2. Good friend. Regardless of the bullshit Missi and I have been through she's there for me never leaving and always stable. Paulette even though she is still so young she's so smart. Josh longest friend I've had. Nevets comes and goes but I'm still happy he's around. Mike Thomas sensitive piece of man meat. Elizabeth my sister and best friend.
3. Food. God I love food.
4. Funny pictures+good memories=something I am grateful for
5. Endless days and picture perfect summer nights
6. Fall. Because I love to watch the scenery around me change its clothing and becomes something new for the spring
7. My job. Even thought I hate it. It gets me by.
8. Jonnie. Because he makes my job bearable.
9. My therapist. Without you God only knows where I would be.
10. Sing alongs in my car with all of my friends. <3

There. I need to go to work. I feel a lot better now that I did that. I may continue this. Who knows.

All I know is that I don't know

My day today.

1. Tweeted all day
2. Worked and talked shit with Jonnie.
3. Hung out with Paulie, josh and Mike
4. Poolside
5. Watched Jay and Silent Bob Strike back with Paulie and Josh
6. Watched the last few episodes of Glee season 1
7. Mike Thomas came over with his GIANT DOG <3
8. Blogging.

I haven't done much at all today except ponder my life's ambitions. I went and registered for classes at schoolcraft today. It was...tiring and solidifying. This time next year I hope to be at Madonna working on my bachelors degree. How exciting is that?

Things are still weird. I feel like I had a blurr of a friendship these past two months. From great to terrible all in the matter of weeks. Its amazing because whenever drama decides to rear its ugly head its always in the middle of my summer. Amazing I know. I mean at least this time I didn't lose all my friends. The people that I made friends with while Brooke wasn't around are still here with one exception, Josh. I am glad he is still around, Still weird about the Kayla thing, but i am still glad non the less. I am kind of glad he hasn't asked to bring her around. Its not that we would say yes its just that we just don't want to be put in anymore awkward situations or drama. I doubt he would ask but on the happenstance he might I would appreciate some...thoughtfulness for once.

I got to finally meet Amber. Missis long time skype buddy. You see when she was dating Matt and we had that HUGE fight between us Amber decided to not like me. Missi said she had talked to her and told her that now she realizes that I was only looking out for her and nothing bad was meant by anything I had said or didn't say. Amber is nice. Regardless of her dislike for me shes the type of person I just really wanted to like me. Even if she didn't i never had an unkind word to say about her. I have no idea why but just the idea of her is pleasant to me. Anyway sometime last week we all had dinner at buddies. It was Amber, Wyatt, Missi, Mike, Nevets and I. Wyatt is Amber adorable 4 year old son. HOLY CRAP IS HE CUTE. He talked to me the whole dinner and I loved every second of it. I was glad to finally meet her and what is sad is that she leaves this weekend to move her son and herself to Georgia. Sad for Missi I know but I am sad too because we could have been friends for sure.

Jonnie and I talked SO much about everything. I actually cried to him about this whole Brooke I think friday. (First time I cried about it) I guess I am trying to hold it all in because I don't want to be hurt by all of it. Bottom line, I am. We talked about babies because him and his wife just made one lol. (I saw the pictures she's BEAUTIFUL) About boys and girls and whither or not they can actually be friends with one another. Our bosses and how sometimes we love them and sometimes we seriously want to just jump them. We talk about so much. I feel happy when he calls me his "home girl," or "Down ass bitch." I know that sounds weird but Jonnie is a jerk and has a really good judge of character. He told me I am WAY to Chill for all of this drama and need to drop it at the door. I believe him. Its just harder then it seems.

Mike and i are well aside from the heat. We are planning our UP trip and invited Josh and Paulie today. Who the heck knows if either of them will actually go. Id like Josh to come before his surgery. I mean having things removed from your colon is gonna suck and I am sure he'd love to go see some pictured rocks with us before all that. When he told us that he was getting stuff removed I about fell out of my chair. Cancer? Nope just routine and they would rather be safe then sorry. I agree with them 100%.

Nothing else has been happening. when it does your the first to know.

There so much more to say

http://ddeadserious.blogspot.com/

I feel the same but I feel different. Hurt more I think. Sad. I don't understand why or what I did to deserve to be treated like a problem that needs to be swept under a rug. I am sad because...I feel a little swindled. I said so many things that I feel stupid for saying now. I was so happy to have my friend back I guess I looked past all of the red flags that shot up. When I decided to start this back up I was serious about the clean slate. I decided that she had changed because I could see it. The glow or the...sparkle about her. I could tell it was different. I stuck up for her with everyone who told me to run the other direction. I guess I was just plain wrong. Period.

Smooth Operator

If everything was like the movie "The invention of lying" My life yesterday wouldn't have been so...weird. Assuming the wrong thing and telling the truth to help you relieve guilt is never they way to go. Josh should have told her not me. He even had the best moment to just come out with it and tell her he'd been hanging out with her. Instead he took a different route. The route of "its non of your business" was a little...undeserved considering she was being honest about everything with him. Josh isn't the best when it comes to situations like that. Speaking of all of that. Mike and I talked a lot yesterday about the possible reasons as to why he even went back in that direction. Theories are good considering they are probably all true. I have a feeling that situation won't last long anyway.

I tried telling Brooke yesterday I am sorry. I believed she felt that I was that is until I got a message with a picture attached to it of a FB post from her sister saying in so many words how I am just a worthless idiot. So I am going to take a moment and just go with she isn't over any of it and is mad at me. Especially since she ditched Mike and I last night to go and hangout with Matt leaving us to continue to worry and stay up WAY late waiting for her since she promised she would to Mike. Thats another thing. Its like...Paulette KNOWS were slightly irritated with her and just decided WE AT THAT MOMENT NEEDED TO KNOW WHERE SHE WAS! I got a text from her at like 130am saying brooke was at Matts and that she's a crazy stalker. Im like yeah you are and need to calm the F down. So needless to say Mike and I went to bed with a slight chip on our shoulder. We tried hard not to but the longer we laid there I think the harder it was to not be annoyed.

I think everyone needs to take a serious step back. Mike and I are just going to keep to ourselves from now on. I don't want to see or speak to anyone unless they talk to me first. All of this is a mess and really I just want to cleanse my life of it all.

Moral of this story, People lie so maybe you should do it too because clearly telling the truth to anyone backfires.

Great Distractions

I am glad when Missi comes over. Its calming to talk about things that don't matter. Issues we don't have with each other but just work, friends, life, parents. Books happen to be our favorite distraction and we deffenitly love to talk about it. I sat here till 230 in the morning talking about Harry Potter. It was funny and good to see Missi's smile again. We talked a lot about her relationship issues how we both felt about what had happened between us and how shes going about fixing it. Her tactic is taking it SO SLOW SHES HARDLY MOVING and being a bitch when they try to make it move faster. She read me a few text messages from a guy she'd been seeing and he stopped and got mad because she wasn't texting him everyday all day or hanging out with him more often. I mean one of the Text he sent her literally said this," You don't even know my life right now you didn't even know I was going to warped tour." She read it out loud and we laughed so hard. I just couldn't believe he would think that she would take him seriously saying that. Needless to say she squashed that so quick and is now not seeing anyone...period. lol I am glad that my advice has paid off a little for her. She told me she can see now what I was saying and is just applying it little by little and just trying to get her priorities straight. I am happy for her. Missis best friend is a good influence on her and I like that. It makes me worry a little less for her. I hope the best for Amber in Georgia and am a little sad I never got to meet her. For some reason the fact that I know she doesn't like me makes me want to like her. lol just sayin.





Ps. I got a UTI and its driving me insane. :(:(:(

My night went as follows.

1. Hung out and made dinner with some pretty cool cats.
2. Watched a movie called Hobo with a shotgun. I wouldn't recommend it. It was really dumb.
3. Paulette came over and we watched true blood because my boyfriend is awesome at what he does.
4. Went to bed...
5. Phone call at 130am from a hysterical Paulette.
6. Got up and went to find her.
7. Found her and we walked around the block twice to try and calm her down.
8. Sat with her car.
9. Watched her Ex and Brooke go to bed together in the apt that was hers less then a week ago.....
10. Watched as Paulette fell to pieces once again.
11. Came home, cried for her and discussed everything I saw with Mike and he just sat quietly and we tried to go back to sleep.

When did my life take a sharp turn for the crazy? All I could feel last night was numb to everything. I was quiet as I listen to the very hysterical break of paulette mumbling. I also don't understand why it took seeing them together for her to break about it because she already knew. The only thing I can think of is being lied too. She sat there on the pavement and told me about...20 lies he had told her last week and we she went up there and caused a scene and asked him...all he could say was I thought thats what you wanted to hear. I don't think people really understand why lying causes people to break like that. Its like going completely crazy. Thinking you know the truth only to have the truth ripped out from under you...I can't even describe how it feels. She told me the things he said to her as in, "You're going to be fine all those guys think your cute (cursing Brooke for even telling him that), Its good you don't really feel like you know me anymore that'll make you get over all of this quicker." I don't know about you but that just makes me feel like he's just trying to justify his wrong doings. I mean do you really think that those are reason for a person to just automatically be able to forget about it all and get over it....I mean now her head is going to be racing constantly wondering if everything has been a lie. Dan told her about him calling her fat a lot last year which makes no sense considering he always talked about how he liked his girls meaty. About him flip flopping on wanting to marry her all the time. She called me out on it too asking why the fuck I didn't say anything...All I could think to say was it was none of my business and I didn't want to come into it all. When all of this happened I was kind of in my own thoughts thinking...God Im sorry Missi for ever being like this. She told me at one point in time when this had happened to me that she was scared for my life. She stayed with me till I stopped crying and would eventually drift off to sleep. I wasn't scared for Paulie's life I was just...upset with her. I could literally feel what she felt. I don't know if that is because I was there about a year ago or because I am just an emotional person. (Probably both if you really wanted to know) I didn't even know what to say as we watched all the lights go out at her old apt and them go to bed. All I could do was say I was sorry and that...this wasn't her fault.

O.o I seriously can't wait for my Shrink apt on Wednesday because at this point my head feels like it may explode from all of this. I just want to forget people exist and go about my day like I did a year ago when I cut ties with EVERYONE. It was...peaceful and refreshing to not have to deal with everyones problems and drama. I know that sounds selfish and maybe its just this situation that I don't like because it just reminds me of how I felt a year ago. The lies, the feeling of being stabbed in the back, they are all so fresh as if they happened yesterday. At one time Paulie was like, "I hate being this angry, it almost fills up every part of me and I don't like it." All I could think was Welcome to my world.

le sigh

Mixtapes

This song, this room, this record players empty
I don't talk a lot, I don't think I could make it
Through a night, alone, it's just like any other
And I'm glad we've got each other

I've said goodbye, to all my past ambitions
I'm just trying to find, a rhythm or a reason
I don't care about the reasons that I'm living
This world really doesn't mean nothing to me

This song, this room, it's like my head is empty
I stare and wonder, if I could forgive me
And I miss the past, we all live and die
And I don't know why, yeah I guess I'd like to know why

We, we say, and we sing
We sing and say what we feel cause we don't know
And we're sick and tired, and tired of waiting

These thoughts and fears, left behind a mess
Of memories, and tears, I didn't hold my breath
If this is all there is, I guess it could be better
But everything could always be better

We, we say, and we sing
We sing and say what we feel cause we don't know
And we're sick and tired, and tired of waiting

Drama rules everything around me

I can't handle any of this anymore. Its making me sick and I mean that in the literal sense. (I was like a torn bag of pete moss all day long!) I am sad for Paulette not so sad for Matt. I am just irritated at this whole situation. Between Brooke continuing to hangout with him and him continuing to think they are going to start a relationship my head may explode. Paulette asked me if I thought this whole thing was fucked up..My answer was yes, because it is. I just don't understand where any of this or any of the decisions made, make any sense. Brooke says she respects Paulette and wants to continue a friendship with both her and Matt. However her actions show otherwise. Continuing to hangout with matt and text him continuously throughout the day are giving the wrong impression no matter what the intent. That and it shows no respect for Paulette or how she may feel about anything. Matt is a fucking moron. No matter what he says or does he still comes out looking like the bad guy cause all he does is lie about EVERYTHING. Nothing he says makes any sense. Paulette needs to just tell people how she feels about everything no matter what it is. If she has a problem with Brooke which is clear she does she needs to just call her and tell her.

I hate all of this. My drama free year is becoming a shitty one.