Really?!

Valentines decorations? Are you fuckig joking? Is this a fucking joke? Why Is god punishing me? Why is all of this happening right now? I said I was wrong! I said I was sorry! I said I needed him. I said I was dying. Guess nothing fucking matters. None of this none of it. II hate this. I hate. Just hate. This is hell and torture all in one fucking day. I should have stayed in bed.

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http://trialbyashes.livejournal.com/47528.html

For some reason this was all I could think of to make me feel better. To read it in your voice. To hold hope close to me but yet so far away because what you said yesterday and today are screaming in my ears. That girl. Her boyfriend. You. Me. It's all pushing everything everywhere. Im tired and I can't sleep. Even after the medicine. I'm exhausted but I'm scared. I am so scared. I'm so sick. Please someone put me the fuck out of my misery.

Please

God make me sleep forever so I don't have to feel this anymore now or ever.

Dear Granny

I am having a hard time. Actually a hard time is a bit of an understatement. I'm angry at myself. Mostly for this and sometimes because of that. I miss you. I wanted to make you proud. I wanted to be something more then what I am. Now I'm 25 and I don't have anything to show for myself. I wish you could see Rachel. She's so grown up. I'm glad she didn't see me today. Liz is getting very grown up too. She's just came and dragged me out of the bathroom at Chuck E Cheese. I wish you were here. Out of everyone in our family you were always there for me. You always knew what to say and comforted me when I needed it. I guess I've disappointed myself. My decisions have been poor. Up until these past two years I haven't done anything but disgrace myself and hurt those around me. I've been in counseling and its been good. Obviously to good since I'm making huge life altering decisions that is completely rockin my world. I just need some confirmation that I'm making the right decisions. Clearly youre not God and I should probably be saying a prayer but I'm scared of the answer. I'm scared of everything. I love Mike and I guess I'm scared to lose the only person aside from you who really made a difference in my life for the better. The friend. The lover. The comforter. I know I have nothing to give the opposite sex. I don't have anything to offer. I can't say that I've done anything but hurt him and his family. I wish I could but I'd be seriously fabricating everything. I'm a mess and I need someone. Please, Anyone. Send the nicest angel you can find. Just hurry because I'm dying. I know eventually I maybe ok but not today not tomorrow and probably not the rest of the week. Who am I kidding probably not even the rest of the month. In fact I'm moving again. :| please mail back soon.

I love you.

Your dearest Granddaughter,
Kate

I&apos;ve never

Ive never,
Felt so hurt
felt so used
been so scared
Felt so sick
Been so out of hand
Wanted to vanish so badly
Wanted to die so horribly
Been so alone. I've never felt so entirely and utterly alone.

I never expected him to wait. Ever. I never thought he'd move on so quickly. He always told me we had time. He never told me he wasnt in love with me until yesterday. Apparently since September. I don't want to be right about that girl. I wanted Paulie to be right. He lied to me about her. I can't even be mad because I just am so upset he's not in love with me. I could be better. I can be better then I am. We could be better. I've tried so hard to be what he wants and needs and I never can and never am. I want to be on the jet ski that summer we were so happy and screaming dashboard confessionals to each other. I want to be on grandmas back porch talking and looking at the moon until all hours of the night. I know we aren't those people anymore. I've grown up and so has he but I love him.

I'm broken. I've always been this. More now then ever but I am trying so hard to be better.

I hate that my sister came over. I hate that Paulie came over. I hate my mother and my father for continuing to say the same shit they always do. No one understands. I want to be left to alone to drown in my feelings. Sleeping isn't an answer because in scared to sleep afraid I'll lose something. Something more. A feeling. A moment. I don't know. Nothing is comforting. All I can think about is how I lost and now he's talking to her. I can't hide and I have no one because my best friend is gone. I can't even look at him. I cant even sleep in our bed. Everything is his. My clothing, my phone, couches, spare bed, everything. There isn't any comfort in anything. No ones face or words. Everything I hear is his words saying e doesn't love me and when I close my eyes I see their text messages to each other. I'm uncomfortable and exhausted and completely broken.


"Please fall asleep so I can take pictures of you and hang them in my room so when I wake up feel like yeah everything's alright You are still here, you are still happy, you are still smiling and laughing you are still the only thing everything I need in my life And it goes in in out through the mouth - breathing exercises I will never figure out til I am running in circles or (I am) walking in circles or (I am) crawling in circles or lying on the ground"

Purple

I hate talking to my parents about anything. My mom is too helpful and my dad is an idiot. I hate that they are so...proud that I turned into what I have and totally congratulate themselves on how awesome I turned out. Well "NEWS FLASH!" I turned out this way because you both didn't know how to be parents and neglected me. I took my future into my own hands at a young age because you assholes were to busy being selfish. You had nothing to do with how i turned out in the least. Just because you made me semi attractive, I have a mouth on me and strong willed doesn't mean I will make it. All of me has nothing to do with you so stop acting like "I didn't raise you to be this way." Your absolutely right. You taught me to, run from my problems, be terrible with money, sleep with everything that happens to move, live with my mother until my dad dies then leave everything and marry and idiot, AND finally to forget my real kids and only care about my adoptive ones. Fuck you both.

My life is shitty right now and all I want to do is scream. I can't stand anything. Everything makes me mad or cry.

Just for the moment

If I could say how I feel and put all of this bullshit into words I would. I’m having scary dreams and I am clearly sick. I am scared to go to the doctors on Tuesday. All I feel like doing is puking and sleeping. My sister is super worried about me and all I can do is roll my eyes. Probably because I am scared to tell her how I feel about all of this. I can’t wait to go see my therapist tonight. He probably won’t give me anything substantial. I just want him to tell me what I am feeling/doing is normal/right/wrong/stupid. I need something more then what I am getting. There are moments where I am ok. I feel normal and can smile for a short amount of time and I feel like things can work like this. Then moving comes up and being alone seeps in and I can’t breath. I feel like I may suffocate. I think I need a vacation from feeling. I avoid people including my sister. I actually ignored her calls twice last week and that never happens. I just don’t want to be influenced by anyone. Usually that wouldn’t be a problem but I am so vulnerable right now that anyone could say anything and I would consider it. I just am mad at everything and everyone. I am mad that I was made with feelings that just over flow and I can’t control them. Honestly if I could feel nothing I would because then I wouldn’t be so hopelessly sad. I just am scared for a future that is unknown. When you are with someone your future is spelled with their name in it so when they are gone there is just empty space and nothingness. Obviously sometimes that gets filled but what if it doesn’t and you made a mistake? You can’t just go back and make up for lost time. You can’t go back and repair the hurt that you caused yourself and the other. And I know about hurt. I’ve cause quite a bit of it in my short time here on earth. So this kills me. Literally I feel like I might be dieing. Obviously I know that eventually I will look back at what I have written here and possibly laugh at how silly my feelings were and how naive I was being toward everything that was going on but right now I honestly can’t breath.

Aching

I don't know myself anymore. Who am I? What does it all mean? Why? Where? How? All questions that have plaguing me these past few days. I have no answers at least no real ones. I have a lot of feelings and my chest feels like it may explode from all the hurt and turmoil it feels. I wish everything would just happen without having to make any kind of decision or have any kind of answer.
I haven't left my bed in over 10 hours and I don't think I am going to today. I just want to feel nothing. I want to hate myself from the comfort of my pillow. Make sense right? Probably not to all of whoever the fuck still reads this.

You're looking at me like you've seen a ghost

Let me just say that I am soooooooo ready to kick this next semester in its genitals. I am going to pass my math class and hopefully all the other classes as well. I love that Madonna University is so close to my future I can almost taste it. I feel nervous. Its not a bad nervous but like a nervous excited.

Mike Thomas and Caitlin have gotten a gym membership at planet which excites me because that means i will have someone to come with me or go with them. I need to start taking my gym clothing with me so that way I can go straight from work. I was trying to talk Paulie into getting one but she is a little booger. This year may not be everything I want it to become but I am hopeful as always. Paulie and I have become really good friends. We plan on doing a lot of things these next two months. Driving range and working out then hopefully in the summer we shall golf. Its strange how I felt about her before and how I feel about her now. I am glad for it. I am glad that I have found someone I feel myself around again. Also I am glad I have found a friend in Caitlin. It’s nice how things work out for the better. I can now appreciate the silver lining.

Josh had his birthday party New Years eve. It was, for lack of a better word, interesting. Mike and I dressed up which is very unlike us. Everyone was very drunk and Mike and Caitlin were soooooooooo drunk. The ride home was loud and funny. Mike Thomas slapped Mike in the face and I totally thought Mike was gonna punch Mike Thomas. Luckily since Mike is edge no fight broke out and slow clam breathing took its place. Charlie played drunken music which I so happen to have on video with everyone singing along. Good times.

Things the last two days have taken a turn for the crazy. I don't even know what direction to look. My head is spinning and all I can think is," Drama rules everything around me." I feel badly for Josh. Honesty sucks even if its the best way to go it just hurts everyone involved sometimes; Rock and a hard place. I just hope that maybe this, for him, is the best. I mean who the fuck am I? Mike and I were talking over lunch today about how if Brooke is who he wants then we would be behind him 100%. I mean you don't pick who you fall in love with right? And there is no doubt in my mind that Brooke loves Josh. So currently i don't know what is happening. I just hope that in the end everyone ends up happy. I hope i end up happy. I pray everyday for happiness for myself, my friends and my enemies whoever they are. I guess thats all I have to say about all of that.

I talk a big game
But I can’t say it to your face
So I’ll just say it in a song.
And all those big dreams
And big words
Didn’t get me far.
Did they get you far?
Even when you want it
With all of your heart
A wish is only that
Even when you want it
With all of your heart
You can’t wish them back
There are two sides to every story
And smaller bits that break from the start.
You made me into a monster,
So I made you into art
And I gave it to the world
To rip and tear apart.
But every critic is every cynic
Who lacks the drive and heart
To do what I do
Or do what I have done
So they rip and tear it apart.
All those big dreams and big words
Didn’t get me far.
Did they get you far?
Even when you want it
With all of your heart
A wish is only that
Even when you want them
With all of your heart
You can’t wish them back.
There are two sides to every story
And smaller bits that break from the start.
With all of your heart
All those big dreams and big words
With all of your heart
They didn’t get me far.
Did they get you far?
Even when you want it
With all of your heart
A wish is only that
Even when you want them
With all of your heart
You can’t wish them back.
There are two sides to every story
And smaller bits that break from the start.

High regard

Barter and trade always passive aggressive
In spite of who you say you are
Smother my name under soil & dirt
In the earth
Widen the distance apart
Fuck an apology, I'm not sorry for anything
I've been holding back my apathy for far too long
You don't deserve what you haven't earned
And your place in my heart has just grown so small
I'd like to think that you're worth my time
But you embody everything that I hate
Take a good hard look at what you see
I've lost all my hope and all my faith
Cause when I barely fuck up you just recoil and weep
What do you want from me? I'm just a kid who got in too deep
My walls are built up high forever bound to be steep
I've got a birds eye view of all the secrets you keep
Try to tell me that you knew from the start
That I would come to know that most would never enter my heart
Because I'm colder than the others
It's what sets me apart
You manipulate and try to shine a light on my dark
But this is my life. You should bounce & never call again
No more strife. Go find it in the souls of the other men
You know you're not as smart as you look
I'm gonna take back what you took
I'd like to think that you're worth my time
But you embody everything that I hate
Take a good hard look at what you see
I've lost all my hope & all my faith
Cause when I barely fuck up you just recoil & weep
What do you want from me? I'm just a kid who got in too deep
My walls are built up high forever bound to be steep
I've got a birds eye view of all the secrets you keep
You know you're not as smart as you look
I'm going to take back what you took
And you didn't know shit from the start
And you didn't know shit from the start