If I could say how I feel and put all of this bullshit into words I would. I’m having scary dreams and I am clearly sick. I am scared to go to the doctors on Tuesday. All I feel like doing is puking and sleeping. My sister is super worried about me and all I can do is roll my eyes. Probably because I am scared to tell her how I feel about all of this. I can’t wait to go see my therapist tonight. He probably won’t give me anything substantial. I just want him to tell me what I am feeling/doing is normal/right/wrong/stupid. I need something more then what I am getting. There are moments where I am ok. I feel normal and can smile for a short amount of time and I feel like things can work like this. Then moving comes up and being alone seeps in and I can’t breath. I feel like I may suffocate. I think I need a vacation from feeling. I avoid people including my sister. I actually ignored her calls twice last week and that never happens. I just don’t want to be influenced by anyone. Usually that wouldn’t be a problem but I am so vulnerable right now that anyone could say anything and I would consider it. I just am mad at everything and everyone. I am mad that I was made with feelings that just over flow and I can’t control them. Honestly if I could feel nothing I would because then I wouldn’t be so hopelessly sad. I just am scared for a future that is unknown. When you are with someone your future is spelled with their name in it so when they are gone there is just empty space and nothingness. Obviously sometimes that gets filled but what if it doesn’t and you made a mistake? You can’t just go back and make up for lost time. You can’t go back and repair the hurt that you caused yourself and the other. And I know about hurt. I’ve cause quite a bit of it in my short time here on earth. So this kills me. Literally I feel like I might be dieing. Obviously I know that eventually I will look back at what I have written here and possibly laugh at how silly my feelings were and how naive I was being toward everything that was going on but right now I honestly can’t breath.
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