Monday, January 30, 2012

I've never

Ive never,
Felt so hurt
felt so used
been so scared
Felt so sick
Been so out of hand
Wanted to vanish so badly
Wanted to die so horribly
Been so alone. I've never felt so entirely and utterly alone.

I never expected him to wait. Ever. I never thought he'd move on so quickly. He always told me we had time. He never told me he wasnt in love with me until yesterday. Apparently since September. I don't want to be right about that girl. I wanted Paulie to be right. He lied to me about her. I can't even be mad because I just am so upset he's not in love with me. I could be better. I can be better then I am. We could be better. I've tried so hard to be what he wants and needs and I never can and never am. I want to be on the jet ski that summer we were so happy and screaming dashboard confessionals to each other. I want to be on grandmas back porch talking and looking at the moon until all hours of the night. I know we aren't those people anymore. I've grown up and so has he but I love him.

I'm broken. I've always been this. More now then ever but I am trying so hard to be better.

I hate that my sister came over. I hate that Paulie came over. I hate my mother and my father for continuing to say the same shit they always do. No one understands. I want to be left to alone to drown in my feelings. Sleeping isn't an answer because in scared to sleep afraid I'll lose something. Something more. A feeling. A moment. I don't know. Nothing is comforting. All I can think about is how I lost and now he's talking to her. I can't hide and I have no one because my best friend is gone. I can't even look at him. I cant even sleep in our bed. Everything is his. My clothing, my phone, couches, spare bed, everything. There isn't any comfort in anything. No ones face or words. Everything I hear is his words saying e doesn't love me and when I close my eyes I see their text messages to each other. I'm uncomfortable and exhausted and completely broken.


"Please fall asleep so I can take pictures of you and hang them in my room so when I wake up feel like yeah everything's alright You are still here, you are still happy, you are still smiling and laughing you are still the only thing everything I need in my life And it goes in in out through the mouth - breathing exercises I will never figure out til I am running in circles or (I am) walking in circles or (I am) crawling in circles or lying on the ground"

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