missed

I don't understand when my Father has weird spurts of wanting to see me. I've seen him...three times in the last month which is more then I see him ever really. Its nice thought. Seeing people who know you the most. Being around people who don't have to try to make you laugh they just do. They give you a look and you know EXACTLY what they are thinking at that given moment. I went to my Dads tonight to watch the baseball game. The game was postponed so we watched Bill Cosby standup. I ended up laughing so hard I was crying and that NEVER happens. He would tell jokes, mostly about his family, and look at me and I would know precisely what he was thinking. I knew the memory the time the place everything. There was such a small short portion of my life I had him in it so its obviously not so hard to think of what it is he is remembering at that time. Driving home I started thinking about the time spent without him and sometimes wonder if he ever regrets not having us in it. If maybe some where deep down he knows he fucked up and why it is he hasn't made the effort to just be around us more. Maybe he's reaching out now I don't know. I don't even know if i really want him to be around so much. He's such a hard ass sometimes its difficult to grasp him. I think with us, his real children, he just gets all caught up in us trying to be coddled when it isn't even that. For me its like...my whole fucking life has been one giant cluster of dumb. I can't fucking catch a break and sometimes I just want my Dad to be like...Katherine, you're perfect and you know you're so strong you can make it through all of this bullshit. I just want him to be...a Dad. I was talking to a guy from my work about it all and he was like have your Dad take you shopping and all I could do was bust out into laughter. It made me sad because I know some Dads would do that for their daughter. My Dad would probably do it for his other daughter but I know for damn sure it wouldn't be for me. I guess what I am getting at is I miss him. I miss laughing with him. Sooner or later he isn't going to be around and one day Ill regret all the time that has past between us with unsaid things and time that has gone by without me seeing him. Regret will one day take hold of me and shake me down and say you should have stepped up. I guess I am just tried off stepping up. I want to be worth more to the people I love. I want them to just fucking want me. Why my dad doesn't ill never know. Why half the people I am around don't want me Ill never know. I just know that I miss a lot of them. Especially my Father.

Typical Morning

Reflecting on my weird and stupid weekend.

Full of drama obviously since that whole thing with Paulie wend down.

Missi has been coming around lately which for me means "smiles 4 miles." I did miss her a lot.

Mike and I got into a fight which I feel pushed him further from me. ::makes face::

Mikes Mom was in town. We all went out to eat then to ikea to get Mike a bed frame that is until i burst into tears realizing this solidifying our break up. :/

Work I find out is keeps SERIOUS tabs on me. And my seriously keep tabs I mean nit picking...So I had Mike talk to a lawyer for me and am now keeping tabs on them. Ante up.

Josh benefit dinner. Went by myself. Awkward. Got to see a few people I knew and liked. Also everyone I don't and didn't like was there as well. I suppose thats fine with me. The best part about the night was went Josh walked me to my car. He started talking about how...I am his longest standing friendship and how much he just appreciated what we have been through as friends and is glad I am still there. All I could do to stop from crying was laugh. I told him that it was just meant to be. That Id rather be his friend then anyone else's in the world and one day we will grow old and happy together. He just did his Josh laugh and hugged me so tight. :,( Ill be one big giant mess if my oldest friend dies from fucking cancer. When I first got there we sat at the bar and talked for a good Half hour. He said he wasn't scared of death anymore and he said he is so calm when he thinks about it. All I could do was make and awkward joke to try and ease the weirdness. I seriously pray everyday for him. He said God might have something bigger in mind and his death maybe the start of that something bigger. ::sigh:: and he could be right. I just wish God could have picked a someone else if thats the case.

Please let him be ok.

Upset but Im sure ill get over it

If there was ever a time in my life where I wanted to end my life it would probably be now. I don't understand what the point is in life anymore. Between liars and fakes who the fuck can you trust? Shits been very upsetting as of late and I have no idea when everyone became crazy...again. I thought things were going relatively well and yet...here I am probably on the brink of getting fired...once again by some blue collared bitch who hates me for no good reason. Its amazing to me how hard I bust my ass at everything I do and still get shit on. Jonnie at work said I must have been born with a target on my back. Someday I truly believe there will be a breaking point but I don't know when. Maybe it'll be when I get fired for Pop corn on the floor or when someone hurts me personally again. All I know is that my heart is hurting and I'm scared of whats next on my agenda.

So Josh and Paulie split. ::makes face:: Its probably for the best however he does seemed a little more bummed then usual. We talked about it a lot yesterday and surprisingly he took my advice which...no one does. I told him that yes she messed up and yes it obviously hurts but Brooke/Kayla/Breayne all of them also cheated on him and cancer or not...Paulie deserves forgiveness just as much as the rest of them. The fact that Josh has cancer doesn't change anything...not one thing. Yes he is sick but his cancer does not define him as a person. The type of person that would cheat on someone with cancer is the same as someone who would cheat on someone without it. Cancer is a sickness it doesn't have feelings or...emotions. Josh is the person hurt by all of this and by all of them. She is the same as everyone else including myself. I told him all of that too. Paulie deserved to have her asshole ripped open by Josh. I ripped her open and so did Mike. I am glad Josh is taking the high road with all of this. I know Paulie appreciates his understanding loving nature. We also talked about how we all knew she cared for him it was clearly just a...fucked up time. She's a good person who made a fucked up decision. I made them...a lot of them. Still probably am going to in the future. Hopefully they won't be as...damaging next time but regardless mistakes will be made and I am sure Someone will get hurt and I hope that someone will forgive me. right now though there are bigger fish to fry.

I don't know what my further holds...im not ok with it. In fact I'm scared to death but...what is going to happen will and until then I am going to try and get through my days to come.

Cliche things here and there

There’s a lot to say about what has been going on recently.

1. Mike and I have decided to take a break. We are officially not together currently. Its weird and its hard and heartbreaking and all those cliché things you can say about a long term relationship ending.

2. We are ok. At least I think we both are handling it fairly well for the moment. It’s hard. I love him so much that it’s tearing me up sometimes. I just can’t lie and say this is working when I feel like its not and its killing me. Being honest about it all sucks and I hate it. I hate thinking that this could be it. That…he won’t be in my life and I am scared. I have learned so much for him and he’s been like a surrogate father/brother/family to me and I can’t live knowing that he won’t be there in some form to help me. That is probably the most selfish thing I have ever said in my life and I feel terrible about it. I just can’t help how I feel right now. There are so many emotions and feelings that sometimes I feel I may explode from all of this.

3. What do I want? Well I am not sure. I feel like this entire relationship has been one giant struggle. Me wanting him to want me, Him trying to fix things, me trying to fix things, fixing things with my family and his. I just want things to be better and to be happy because right now I feel anything but.

I don’t know what is going to happen in the future. I am not a mind reader or a fortune teller or some kind of physic. I do know that I love Mike. He’s literally been my best friend for over 7 years and I care about him more then I can even put into words. All I know is that I am doing what I think and feel is right for this moment. If in the future we continue down the road together I think we'll be stronger for this. Things have got to start some where. Something has got to give, right? I just don't know anything anymore.