missed

I don't understand when my Father has weird spurts of wanting to see me. I've seen him...three times in the last month which is more then I see him ever really. Its nice thought. Seeing people who know you the most. Being around people who don't have to try to make you laugh they just do. They give you a look and you know EXACTLY what they are thinking at that given moment. I went to my Dads tonight to watch the baseball game. The game was postponed so we watched Bill Cosby standup. I ended up laughing so hard I was crying and that NEVER happens. He would tell jokes, mostly about his family, and look at me and I would know precisely what he was thinking. I knew the memory the time the place everything. There was such a small short portion of my life I had him in it so its obviously not so hard to think of what it is he is remembering at that time. Driving home I started thinking about the time spent without him and sometimes wonder if he ever regrets not having us in it. If maybe some where deep down he knows he fucked up and why it is he hasn't made the effort to just be around us more. Maybe he's reaching out now I don't know. I don't even know if i really want him to be around so much. He's such a hard ass sometimes its difficult to grasp him. I think with us, his real children, he just gets all caught up in us trying to be coddled when it isn't even that. For me its like...my whole fucking life has been one giant cluster of dumb. I can't fucking catch a break and sometimes I just want my Dad to be like...Katherine, you're perfect and you know you're so strong you can make it through all of this bullshit. I just want him to be...a Dad. I was talking to a guy from my work about it all and he was like have your Dad take you shopping and all I could do was bust out into laughter. It made me sad because I know some Dads would do that for their daughter. My Dad would probably do it for his other daughter but I know for damn sure it wouldn't be for me. I guess what I am getting at is I miss him. I miss laughing with him. Sooner or later he isn't going to be around and one day Ill regret all the time that has past between us with unsaid things and time that has gone by without me seeing him. Regret will one day take hold of me and shake me down and say you should have stepped up. I guess I am just tried off stepping up. I want to be worth more to the people I love. I want them to just fucking want me. Why my dad doesn't ill never know. Why half the people I am around don't want me Ill never know. I just know that I miss a lot of them. Especially my Father.