Just wait and see

There’s a huge part of me that is seriously torn. I want to think that all of this is real and true but I am scared to believe any of it. I want this to work out. I need it to work out because if it doesn’t then I honestly don’t know what I would do. I just don’t want Mike to be settling for me. Who wants to be settled for? I want to be loved the way I should be. I want Mike to be in love with me the way I am with him; the way I have always been. I want what he wants, a passion but I fear he will never feel that for me the way I feel it for him. When I talked to my Dad yesterday I told him I messed up and vaguely explained that I messed up when we were engaged and said I just wanted to move on and I wanted to be happy and he laughed at me. He laughed at me and said that’s all I could do is move on. I thought about how easy of a concept that is for a person outside of this situation but I do remember that my dad was in a similar situation when he was an idiot. Obviously everything that happened to me is nothing like what my Dad did to a lot of people but…God I want nothing more then to move on from what I did. Just one free moment to feel nothing about what I did. To not feel haunted by Mikes moms face or his when I had to sit there shaking and sobbing trying to form words and thoughts about it all. To not have my heart weighed down. I have to live with it forever. Even if I wasn’t with Mike I would still have nightmares. I would still feel upset every so often for no good reason. I think being with Mike makes me feel like I won a personal battle. That I still have the person I love most because he is so forgiving and good. Now I feel like that may not be true so much. Maybe it never was. Maybe this was all a mistake. I don’t know. I put a down payment on an apartment yesterday and sat in my car before I left the guys house and cried. Just…cried. All over everything. It didn’t feel good or relieving. It felt scared with not one ounce of comfort. I am scared. I told my Dad yesterday that Mike and my decision was very adult. It was. Don’t just jump back in it, take it slow, get some space, go on dates and rediscover each other. However that doesn’t make me feel like…I am doing the right thing. It doesn’t make me look at Mike everyday and wonder how the fuck I am going to get him to fall back in love with me. I had been trying so hard for so long that I literally don’t know what I could possibly do…to make him see it all. Sounds pathetic right? Sounds desperate? I just want him to see what I see in us. A long lasting forever. I know right now he is very frustrated by my cycles. One second I am fine then I wake up in a panic and I start to think and it just is a mess. I’m frustrated. I am in love with someone who isn’t and hasn’t been for a long time. Now what? I do not want to give up on something that I know could be so good. I just wish he could see it. My Dad also said something to me that made me smile and tear up,” Katherine your Mom and I didn’t work out. It has caused a lot of strife in your life and your sisters. Don’t let that stop you from becoming who you should be and marring and having happiness. You can’t go into every relationship thinking this could end in divorce or it won’t work. Make it. Because I know you can if that’s what you really want. You always have done what you want, Always. It’s very inspiring. So why is now any different?” I don’t know maybe because I messed up and left myself in my path of destruction and even though I want it to work…It won’t if the person I want is so hurt by me and what I did. Maybe this is all what I deserve. I don’t know.

“Despair can ravage you, if you turn your head around and look down the path that’s lead you here. Because what can you change? You’re a vessel now floating down the water waves.”

Really?!

Valentines decorations? Are you fuckig joking? Is this a fucking joke? Why Is god punishing me? Why is all of this happening right now? I said I was wrong! I said I was sorry! I said I needed him. I said I was dying. Guess nothing fucking matters. None of this none of it. II hate this. I hate. Just hate. This is hell and torture all in one fucking day. I should have stayed in bed.

<\3

http://trialbyashes.livejournal.com/47528.html

For some reason this was all I could think of to make me feel better. To read it in your voice. To hold hope close to me but yet so far away because what you said yesterday and today are screaming in my ears. That girl. Her boyfriend. You. Me. It's all pushing everything everywhere. Im tired and I can't sleep. Even after the medicine. I'm exhausted but I'm scared. I am so scared. I'm so sick. Please someone put me the fuck out of my misery.

Please

God make me sleep forever so I don't have to feel this anymore now or ever.

Dear Granny

I am having a hard time. Actually a hard time is a bit of an understatement. I'm angry at myself. Mostly for this and sometimes because of that. I miss you. I wanted to make you proud. I wanted to be something more then what I am. Now I'm 25 and I don't have anything to show for myself. I wish you could see Rachel. She's so grown up. I'm glad she didn't see me today. Liz is getting very grown up too. She's just came and dragged me out of the bathroom at Chuck E Cheese. I wish you were here. Out of everyone in our family you were always there for me. You always knew what to say and comforted me when I needed it. I guess I've disappointed myself. My decisions have been poor. Up until these past two years I haven't done anything but disgrace myself and hurt those around me. I've been in counseling and its been good. Obviously to good since I'm making huge life altering decisions that is completely rockin my world. I just need some confirmation that I'm making the right decisions. Clearly youre not God and I should probably be saying a prayer but I'm scared of the answer. I'm scared of everything. I love Mike and I guess I'm scared to lose the only person aside from you who really made a difference in my life for the better. The friend. The lover. The comforter. I know I have nothing to give the opposite sex. I don't have anything to offer. I can't say that I've done anything but hurt him and his family. I wish I could but I'd be seriously fabricating everything. I'm a mess and I need someone. Please, Anyone. Send the nicest angel you can find. Just hurry because I'm dying. I know eventually I maybe ok but not today not tomorrow and probably not the rest of the week. Who am I kidding probably not even the rest of the month. In fact I'm moving again. :| please mail back soon.

I love you.

Your dearest Granddaughter,
Kate

I&apos;ve never

Ive never,
Felt so hurt
felt so used
been so scared
Felt so sick
Been so out of hand
Wanted to vanish so badly
Wanted to die so horribly
Been so alone. I've never felt so entirely and utterly alone.

I never expected him to wait. Ever. I never thought he'd move on so quickly. He always told me we had time. He never told me he wasnt in love with me until yesterday. Apparently since September. I don't want to be right about that girl. I wanted Paulie to be right. He lied to me about her. I can't even be mad because I just am so upset he's not in love with me. I could be better. I can be better then I am. We could be better. I've tried so hard to be what he wants and needs and I never can and never am. I want to be on the jet ski that summer we were so happy and screaming dashboard confessionals to each other. I want to be on grandmas back porch talking and looking at the moon until all hours of the night. I know we aren't those people anymore. I've grown up and so has he but I love him.

I'm broken. I've always been this. More now then ever but I am trying so hard to be better.

I hate that my sister came over. I hate that Paulie came over. I hate my mother and my father for continuing to say the same shit they always do. No one understands. I want to be left to alone to drown in my feelings. Sleeping isn't an answer because in scared to sleep afraid I'll lose something. Something more. A feeling. A moment. I don't know. Nothing is comforting. All I can think about is how I lost and now he's talking to her. I can't hide and I have no one because my best friend is gone. I can't even look at him. I cant even sleep in our bed. Everything is his. My clothing, my phone, couches, spare bed, everything. There isn't any comfort in anything. No ones face or words. Everything I hear is his words saying e doesn't love me and when I close my eyes I see their text messages to each other. I'm uncomfortable and exhausted and completely broken.


"Please fall asleep so I can take pictures of you and hang them in my room so when I wake up feel like yeah everything's alright You are still here, you are still happy, you are still smiling and laughing you are still the only thing everything I need in my life And it goes in in out through the mouth - breathing exercises I will never figure out til I am running in circles or (I am) walking in circles or (I am) crawling in circles or lying on the ground"

Purple

I hate talking to my parents about anything. My mom is too helpful and my dad is an idiot. I hate that they are so...proud that I turned into what I have and totally congratulate themselves on how awesome I turned out. Well "NEWS FLASH!" I turned out this way because you both didn't know how to be parents and neglected me. I took my future into my own hands at a young age because you assholes were to busy being selfish. You had nothing to do with how i turned out in the least. Just because you made me semi attractive, I have a mouth on me and strong willed doesn't mean I will make it. All of me has nothing to do with you so stop acting like "I didn't raise you to be this way." Your absolutely right. You taught me to, run from my problems, be terrible with money, sleep with everything that happens to move, live with my mother until my dad dies then leave everything and marry and idiot, AND finally to forget my real kids and only care about my adoptive ones. Fuck you both.

My life is shitty right now and all I want to do is scream. I can't stand anything. Everything makes me mad or cry.