Just wait and see

There’s a huge part of me that is seriously torn. I want to think that all of this is real and true but I am scared to believe any of it. I want this to work out. I need it to work out because if it doesn’t then I honestly don’t know what I would do. I just don’t want Mike to be settling for me. Who wants to be settled for? I want to be loved the way I should be. I want Mike to be in love with me the way I am with him; the way I have always been. I want what he wants, a passion but I fear he will never feel that for me the way I feel it for him. When I talked to my Dad yesterday I told him I messed up and vaguely explained that I messed up when we were engaged and said I just wanted to move on and I wanted to be happy and he laughed at me. He laughed at me and said that’s all I could do is move on. I thought about how easy of a concept that is for a person outside of this situation but I do remember that my dad was in a similar situation when he was an idiot. Obviously everything that happened to me is nothing like what my Dad did to a lot of people but…God I want nothing more then to move on from what I did. Just one free moment to feel nothing about what I did. To not feel haunted by Mikes moms face or his when I had to sit there shaking and sobbing trying to form words and thoughts about it all. To not have my heart weighed down. I have to live with it forever. Even if I wasn’t with Mike I would still have nightmares. I would still feel upset every so often for no good reason. I think being with Mike makes me feel like I won a personal battle. That I still have the person I love most because he is so forgiving and good. Now I feel like that may not be true so much. Maybe it never was. Maybe this was all a mistake. I don’t know. I put a down payment on an apartment yesterday and sat in my car before I left the guys house and cried. Just…cried. All over everything. It didn’t feel good or relieving. It felt scared with not one ounce of comfort. I am scared. I told my Dad yesterday that Mike and my decision was very adult. It was. Don’t just jump back in it, take it slow, get some space, go on dates and rediscover each other. However that doesn’t make me feel like…I am doing the right thing. It doesn’t make me look at Mike everyday and wonder how the fuck I am going to get him to fall back in love with me. I had been trying so hard for so long that I literally don’t know what I could possibly do…to make him see it all. Sounds pathetic right? Sounds desperate? I just want him to see what I see in us. A long lasting forever. I know right now he is very frustrated by my cycles. One second I am fine then I wake up in a panic and I start to think and it just is a mess. I’m frustrated. I am in love with someone who isn’t and hasn’t been for a long time. Now what? I do not want to give up on something that I know could be so good. I just wish he could see it. My Dad also said something to me that made me smile and tear up,” Katherine your Mom and I didn’t work out. It has caused a lot of strife in your life and your sisters. Don’t let that stop you from becoming who you should be and marring and having happiness. You can’t go into every relationship thinking this could end in divorce or it won’t work. Make it. Because I know you can if that’s what you really want. You always have done what you want, Always. It’s very inspiring. So why is now any different?” I don’t know maybe because I messed up and left myself in my path of destruction and even though I want it to work…It won’t if the person I want is so hurt by me and what I did. Maybe this is all what I deserve. I don’t know.

“Despair can ravage you, if you turn your head around and look down the path that’s lead you here. Because what can you change? You’re a vessel now floating down the water waves.”