Sickness

While being stuck on my couch for the past three days i've done...practically nothing. However there are a few things I did do.

Things I've done.
1. Applied for jobs (Got a call back, what are the odds!)
2. Made a tumblr. Gave in. What can I say? http://invinciblessummer.tumblr.com/
3. Coughed a lot.
4. Tuned my guitar.

That about covers it. :)

Millstone

I used to be such a burning example,
I used to be so original.
I used to care, I was being cared for.
Made sure I showed it to those that I love.
I used to sleep without a single stir,
'Cause I was about my father's work.
Well take me out tonight,
This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
I'm my own stone around my neck,
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.
I used to pray like God was listening.
I used to make my parents proud.
I was the glue that kept my friends together,
Now they don't talk and we don't go out.
I used to know the name of every person I'd kissed.
Now I've made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it.
Well take me out tonight,
This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
I'm my own stone around my neck,
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

Lucid

I want to sleep forever and reside in my dreams
To frolic through a collage of different specticles and scenes
An escape from the insufferable, cruel world at large
I want to sleep forever

I want to sleep forever so I can live in my dreams
The ruler of the lands, the queen of all kings
With nothing to fear but the darkside of the conscience
I want to sleep forever

I want to sleep forever and fight my inner demons
Provide peace of mind for all bothered and exhausted
Float on utter bliss; those monsters, I'll never miss
I want to sleep forever

I want to sleep forever and never show sadness again
Bright, long-lasting smiles on weekly sullen days
Created and maintained in a variety of ways
I want to sleep forever

I want to sleep forever to erase everything
I want to sleep forever and feel warmth again
To bathe myself in content that won't ever end
Let me sleep forever

Smiley

Let me say that in my experience with the general public everyone always seems to be in a hurry. I want to NEVER be like that. I mean sure it makes sense that people may have places to be or something of that nature but not EVERYONE.

Lets talk turkey. ;) and by turkey I mean my birthday. The weekend went…smoothly. There was one minor hiccup that involved my lover and the cake…however Paulie came over later while everyone was watching the end of the Tigers game and gave me a new one she made with applesauce. It was a very good "make up" cake. It tasted like a donut. She stayed for a little bit we talked, people said hello (except Nevets, which is to be expected).

Before everyone got to my apt though we went to a comedy club in downtown Ferndale. It was a crazy good time. I even WON something. THAT NEVER HAPPENS! I was super excited. My sister, Josh, Mike, and Caitlin joined me in this new adventure. The overall consensus was we are for sure gonna go back.

Let me talk about Caitlin for a moment. She is…perfect for Mike Thomas. However she is the kind of person I can see being good friends with. In fact she reminds me a lot of Carrie but not nearly as badass and not nearly as witty, though she has her moments. We chatted on the way to get the pizza about online dating since that is how she met Mike and my sister had a few questions. My sister has had ONE bad experience with it so it was nice for her to get another persons perspective. I was laughing so hard at the things she said. Honestly I didn’t know people were so bold. I mean I guess she was approached for a threesome by a gentleman and his wife. I mean really? Wtf.

On Sunday we had a double date with her and Mike Thomas. She bought me dinner for my birthday which no one has done that has just met me. I love hanging out with them. I like that she is into a lot of the same music as I am. It’s a little surprising since she doesn’t look like she would be into anything like that. A+ for Mike Thomas we just get to benefit from his gain. I guess they are planning on moving in together come the spring. He said he felt stupid telling me that as if I care. He said he just thought it sounded so silly and soon. Honestly more power to him. I think if you know then you just know, why wait? I mean look at Dan. Sure we all thought he was silly. I mean he only knew Tiffany for what? A month? Then moved out of the state to live with her? Now they are talking about getting married. I am truly happy for him. :) I am happy for my friends who are finding love. It makes everything seem warm and shiny.

November is rapidly approaching and I am excited because it means more amazing weather. A trip to Alpena with Mike+Caitlin+maybe Josh. And a little bit closer to Christmas. I am pumped to decorate and maybe have a party. I don't know why but I have been in a fantastic mood the past few days. Things seem brighter. "Smiles for Miles"

I went to see my therapist for the first time in like a month yesterday. I had so much to say it was hard to not just burst from everything. It always sucks when your therapist agrees with you on how crappy situations are. I wish he was more…I don’t know uplifting. Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of times he is and gives me a lot of good advice or just good insight. It just seems there isn’t a very good answer for anything. It is mostly how you feel. I started talking about Mike and his silly habits and how sometimes it just seems he’s more like a woman then I am. He laughed and said that it doesn’t seem like I am resentful but there is more of a fondness toward him and his quarks. At that point all I could is laugh because I am fond of his silliness. I like that he can do math at the store and figure out the best deal in five seconds. I like that he is OCD it makes for fun games sometimes. Obviously it is annoying to be around someone who seemingly strolls through life and I always seem to struggle but I adore Mike.

We also talked about Mike’s therapist a little bit. Things that Mike has told me here and there that she has said. My therapist asked me how I felt about that. I know that doesn’t seem like a big deal but he never really asks me that questions so it kind of caught me off guard. Usually he asks me what it is that I am thinking instead. Honestly I don’t know. I don’t know if I am good for Mike. We are two completely different people in more then one way. So for me to say “Oh yeah we are so good for each other” would be a kind of a lie because honestly I have no idea what would make a person good for the other. I don’t think I make Mike a better person, I don’t push him to be better in any sense, and I have hurt him more then once. I think his therapist is good in asking that question. It’s a very thought provoking.

At the end of our session he told me he appreciates how honest I have been the whole time we’ve been seeing each other. That I shouldn’t be so hard on myself sometimes and that he knows that in the end it will all work out in one way or another. It’s just hard to see it right now. ::shrugs:: I am just wounded. I think I have been for a while and not just with Mike, with my so called friends, family, and work. Happiness just seems so out of reach and out of touch. I know this all sounds so mellow dramatic it’s just how I have been seeing things lately. Maybe I need more sleep because work and school have been handing my ass to me on a silver plate daily. These early mornings and late nights have me seeing red.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I will be a quarter of a century old...crazy how that works. Its nuts to think that In another 25 years ill be 50 and in 5 ill be 30. How insane is that? I believe we are going to go to ferndale to a comedy club that I used to go to all the time when I was 18. It was great and a lot of fun. I read a lot of good reviews online and from a few people I know who have went. Then back to our place for cake/ice cream. Honestly I just want to have a good day and that is all. ::crosses fingers:: I am pumped however to see my sisters gift. She said she spent a lot of money on me. Which made me mad and happy all at the same time. She told me she just couldn't help it that every time she'd going to put it back she thought "Katie deserves this" and would just continue on. lol. I love her. Rachel has also been texting me a lot. She made me cry the other day. She told me that I am amazing. That anyone who thinks otherwise is crazy. That I am more of a mother to her and liz then our mom has ever been and can't wait to grow old with liz and I. That everything was going to be ok and Ill be happy in the end of it all. I was crying so hard I went to the bathroom. Rachel is just so smart and so beautiful and so...the greatest lil sister anyone could have. I adore my sisters. I don't know if there is another person alive with a relationship like we all have. <3

This towns got lies to tell

Its hard for me to understand what is going on in my life right now. I don’t know what’s going on within my life and just in general. I don’t know what’s going on with Mike and me but I know that whenever he talks about moving away I panic internally. I am panicking right now just thinking about it. I just can’t imagine my life without him in it. He is my closest family if nothing else but he is something more. I just need to know if this is what is going to work. I want to know if this is something we can do together but nothing is coming quickly or timely.

Eventually he is going to get tired of waiting and I can see it in his face and the way he talks about it. Mike isn’t the kind of person to wait around or being paticent. Mike isn’t patient he’s an if I want it I get it kind of guy. A go getter if you will. I can feel it when he sleeps or when he doesn’t want to talk to me. We have been together so long that I can just tell when things are wrong with him.

It’s all strange because I know he feels how I do about us. I know that he knows our intimacy problems are causing us to be distant and he doesn’t know if this is going to work either. So why is it that I feel so…horrible about everything? It makes me sick to think that we will never be again. That he will one day never love me. Its just it makes me sad to think that he doesn’t want me…physically. So there is my dilemma. I know there is that stupid saying…”You can’t have everything,” or, “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.” I just always felt being with Mike we could have everything. Maybe it’s to late and maybe I completely fucked this relationship into oblivion, its just there are times I look at him and I feel like, “there is forever staring right back at me. I know that this may not be perfect but it feels like it could be.”

I don't know if I can handle everything going on and school and work. Its all freaking me out. Mike kept asking me what was wrong this weekend but honestly I am just so fucking tired. Ive never been so tired in all my life really. I need to get some homework done yet a friend of mine committed suicide this past week and now I have a viewing. Saves the Day and Bayside on wednesday yet I really need to be a grown up about it all and not go. I know that doesn't seem like a big deal but fuck I want to see Saves the Day so terribly bad. I just have stupid small things that are just an annoyance that take up a lot of my time lately.

It is 701am and i need to take off for work so I can stop and get a coffee. Lord knows I wouldn't make it through the day without it.

And the way you look....tonight.

Totally custom

I love ramen noodles.
Tomorrows agenda.
1. Get up super early and head to the gym. I want to start getting up early.
2. Take a shower. Make breakfast while packing my lunch.
3. Get ready for work.
4. Go to work.
5. Go straight to class.
6. Do online homework.
7. CRASH SO HARD.

Gypsies Tramps and Thieves

So this weekend was full of family. Literally full of family. I don't know if it was good or bad. I don't know if I liked it or disliked it. I just know it happened. I already wrote about my Dad and yesterday and today I spent a lot of time with my mom and sisters. I miss Rachel. A lot. I miss her coming over on the weekends and spending time with me. She's so...grown up its scary. She has friends and a life. Obviously I know that was bound to happen I just wish it didn't. My mom is crazy as usual she had weird feather things in her hair that were red because Lord knows she needs to look "punk" or whatever. ::rolls eyes:: Liz is the same. Always making me laugh and knowing what to say to make me smile and feel better. Joe is weird and weird.

Today we went to a flea market. I have NEVER been to a flea market and I don't know if Ill ever go back. They all looked like...carnies that just happened to all be retired and want to sell all of their possessions. So basically Mike if he was a retired carnie. The food was weird and there was a hill billie band and a lot of animals everywhere. It was nuts and early. We fucking got up at 6am to drive to 36 mile and butt fuck no where.

I don't know i suppose it was alright to just go and be with them. I hardly ever get a call from both parents in the same weekend so Ill take it. Even though I miss them I hate them still. Neither parent has really changed at all in any sense. Well I think my mom has progressed in age honestly. I still love her she's just...not a very mothering type mother. She's more like a I want to be your friend and give you advice and piss you off and whatever.

I love them both. I miss them. I wish that when I was a little younger I would have made more of an effort to see them. ::shrugs:: I am glad I got some time put in this weekend though. Maybe more to come. :)

My birthday is 13 days away. Crazy. I will be 25 years of age. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I am going to do. I kinda wish I could go away for that weekend with a bunch of people. Pool, hotel, fun. Frankenmuth? Id love that. Its only an hour away too. Get wasted and have fun.