This towns got lies to tell

Its hard for me to understand what is going on in my life right now. I don’t know what’s going on within my life and just in general. I don’t know what’s going on with Mike and me but I know that whenever he talks about moving away I panic internally. I am panicking right now just thinking about it. I just can’t imagine my life without him in it. He is my closest family if nothing else but he is something more. I just need to know if this is what is going to work. I want to know if this is something we can do together but nothing is coming quickly or timely.

Eventually he is going to get tired of waiting and I can see it in his face and the way he talks about it. Mike isn’t the kind of person to wait around or being paticent. Mike isn’t patient he’s an if I want it I get it kind of guy. A go getter if you will. I can feel it when he sleeps or when he doesn’t want to talk to me. We have been together so long that I can just tell when things are wrong with him.

It’s all strange because I know he feels how I do about us. I know that he knows our intimacy problems are causing us to be distant and he doesn’t know if this is going to work either. So why is it that I feel so…horrible about everything? It makes me sick to think that we will never be again. That he will one day never love me. Its just it makes me sad to think that he doesn’t want me…physically. So there is my dilemma. I know there is that stupid saying…”You can’t have everything,” or, “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.” I just always felt being with Mike we could have everything. Maybe it’s to late and maybe I completely fucked this relationship into oblivion, its just there are times I look at him and I feel like, “there is forever staring right back at me. I know that this may not be perfect but it feels like it could be.”

I don't know if I can handle everything going on and school and work. Its all freaking me out. Mike kept asking me what was wrong this weekend but honestly I am just so fucking tired. Ive never been so tired in all my life really. I need to get some homework done yet a friend of mine committed suicide this past week and now I have a viewing. Saves the Day and Bayside on wednesday yet I really need to be a grown up about it all and not go. I know that doesn't seem like a big deal but fuck I want to see Saves the Day so terribly bad. I just have stupid small things that are just an annoyance that take up a lot of my time lately.

It is 701am and i need to take off for work so I can stop and get a coffee. Lord knows I wouldn't make it through the day without it.