Windy

Its incredible how distractions can so easily be unveiled.

today we got a text message from Josh saying he was back in the hospital. This vacation should be important but really I can't think of any where Id rather be then home hanging out with one of our best friends trying to make the most out of a horrible situation. Don't get me wrong. I stood under a waterfall yesterday. We broke the rules and walked up and around where we shouldn't and stood under a crazy beautiful waterfall in the middle of a lush forest. However its hard to imagine having any kind of fun when your friend is more then two hundred miles away being checked back into the hospital. I am for sure going to try and make the most of the next two days we are here because Josh has been texting us almost everyday asking if we are having fun. For him. Ill have fun. However he will never escape my mind and my well wishes for a quick recovery so we can beat lymph node cancers ass are happening every second of everyday.

Tomorrow is our last day here. Ill be on the way home tomorrow. <3 Pictures soon.

Welcome Welcome Welcome

Putting his feet all over my pillows

Mike, right this very moment, is complaining about his brother putting his feet on his pillow.

The weather, right this moment, Is beautiful. It feels like fall here. Long sleeves and hoodie all week long.

In one hour we will be heading to a water fall and spending the day there.

In one day we will be heading to Pictured Rocks where I will take pictures and post them on here. Im am excited to spend two days there. I am hoping to do some canoeing or kayaking.

I have been riding my bike all over the place up here and along the st. Mary's River. The sunset last night was amazing. I didn't take a picture so you can't see it. sorry.

Josh has been texting us the past couple days along with Paulette. I am glad he is doing so well. Paulette says that he looks so good and much better then he did before. I am glad. I still have him from the last time I seen him burned into my mind. Its like an on going nightmare. I guess she's staying the weekend there or did rather since it is Sunday. My days are all mixed up at the current moment. Mike and him were texting yesterday and he said he was feeling so much better. I know that God has a special reason for all of this.

II Corinthians 12:9-10) 9 He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Most gladly therefore I will rather glory in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest on me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in weaknesses, in injuries, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then am I strong.

colon cancer-gone, Lymph node cancer-fighting

We drove out to see Josh yesterday night. I am pms-ing so I cried there and I cried back but I managed to keep it to myself till then. His Mom crying was hard. Seeing them all try and distract themselves was hard. Seeing Josh lose it at the end of the night=most difficult moment of the night.

He went to the bathroom and his Mom went to help him with his "bag" and he came back out and put his head on the counter and just stood there. I walked over and started rubbing his back and asked him if he was ok? "I don't know," was his very frustrated reply.

We went to leave and I basically ran out the door. I guess with everything going on right now its just so hard. Mike and I having problems, Josh having cancer. I wish my focus didn't have to be divided. I wish I could equally care about each thing everyday completely. josh needs strong positive optimistic people and I am none of those things at this current moment.

All I could do was stand next to him, rub his back with one hand, and hold his hand with the other while he rested his heavy head on the counter. I almost broke down crying next to him. He gave me the biggest hug when we went to leave. I think him being scared is an understatement he has got to be terrified.

I am too.
.

Its getting harder to sleep

Sometimes there are things you don't want to talk about and you have to.
and
I hate being honest.
I hate telling the truth.
I hate hurting you.
I hate hurting.
I hate crying.
I hate pretending things are fine we they are so clearly not.
I hate the sick feeling I've had in my stomach for a week now.
I hate that I have no one to talk to about it.
I hate that even if I did, they would have no sound advice for me anyway.
No comfort from anything.
I am glad you're ok.
I am glad that work is going so well.
I am glad I have Johnnie to work with because he makes me laugh and helps me pretend my life isn't so...awkward.
I am glad that God has blessed me so much even when I feel like I may be being punished.

I just want to sleep.

Philippians 4:6-13

6 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. 7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. 9 Those things, which ye have both learned , and received , and heard , and seen in me, do : and the God of peace shall be with you. 10 But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now at the last your care of me hath flourished again ; wherein ye were also careful , but ye lacked opportunity . 11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned , in whatsoever state I am , therewith to be content. 12 I know both how to be abased , and I know how to abound : every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry , both to abound and to suffer need . 13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Fall please, please put a rush delivery on the weather

When the weather starts cooling off like it so happens to be the past couple of days ALL I want to listen to is a few couple of bands. They make me feel a certain way that I can't explain and it feels so good.

I wanna do a corn maze. I wanna pick some apples. I wanna roll around in the leaves. There is just something so good about winter. its like my renewing stage or something. Sure yeah everything dies but for me its different. Usually my summers are crappy and my winters rock. I met Missi in the winter time. I know we're not the best of friends but she was one of my favorite friends to meet. We even have a sweet meeting story.

It was the beginning of November and twilight new moon came out. I had met her a few weeks prior at Rams Horn but judged her into a oblivion and decided she wasn't the kind of person that I really liked. (Not sure why) She was just completely different from any friend I had ever had and so I just wrote her off. Anyway the new twilight movie came out and I was at the midnight premier like I am for all my favorites. I was with Mike, Amanda, Kacy, and Myself we were talking about something unimportant and suddenly I see her walk in and she looks a little lost. I lean over to Amanda and say,"See that girl right there? Well I think I met her at Rams Horn and For some reason I was a bitch to her." Amanda so nicely says back to me,"Katie why do you care so much? You never used to care." I never said anything back except,"I think I am going to go talk to her." So I did. I found her sitting with her friend way over the right of the theater. I walked up to her and sat down without saying a word and she slowly looked at me and stared. I said,"I know you from Rams Horn. We met the other night. I am sorry for being a bitch." lol. She gave me her number after we talked for a good 45 mins before the movie and we texted right through the movie and hangout that weekend and became super close.

Things that like happen in the Fall. Which makes me feel real good. I can't wait. Mike and I were talking about making new friends. I decided that since we did it before we can most certainly do it again.

I need to get ready for work.

3 days till Joshs surgery. <3

Faster then a locamotive

Its a sad day when I have nothing to do on my day off ::makes face:: BUMMER!!!!!!!!

Last night we went and help Paulette move the rest of her things into her brand new apartment. I think she is way to pumped for her own good. Her kitten was real excited too for that matter. Jammers and Kristin was there and they are so nice. Why are they s nice? I don't know what my original thought on them was at all and maybe I didn't have one but I really like them. It was weird to have all three couples there last night and just sitting talking shit about life and chilling.

I don't really know what I am going to do today. Mikes Mom wanted to take me out and buy some things for my bike which is really sweet of her. I think maybe later we will go and get a dresser that is being given to us. That really covers most of my day.

Bike riding

So I bought a bike for 45 dollars yesterday. I am not sure why I did this. It was all on a silly whim. I got home from work was a little bit of a bummer and Mike asked me if I wanted one. I said of course, not really thinking of anything of it and he goes lets find one. So we sat around on craigslist for a good 20 mins I found it we called the guy and picked it up. So now I have a bike. We went on two bike rides already. CRAZY. I can't wait for it to be a little cooler out and we can ride a lot more. Jammers is coming over tomorrow and I am a little excited to show it to him and get some advice.

ALSO I am going to ask a few silly questions at work tomorrow about getting a paint job done on it. lololol. My body shop manger is gonna look at me like an idiot Im sure. However it is worth asking because id love to have that sweet yellow/orange color on it.

ANYWAY. So for some reason Brooke as been brought up a lot in conversation. For the most part I keep my mouth shut because I just want to avoid talking about it. However that seems impossible lately. Josh has had nothing good to say and neither does Paulie for that matter. They were all sitting there yesterday talking about Joshs surgery and he mentioned how he didn't want her there for a lot of various reasons. ::shrugs:: whatever. Then I guess they went and gave the kitten to Matt and she was acting ridiculous and pissed Paulie off by rubbing Walter in her face. Reguardless of the intent obviously Paulie misses Walter why would she want the one person who fucked everything up for her to be rubbing him in her face...right. Josh said she looked like she was on something or was intoxicated. Honestly that wouldn't surprise any of us.

I think Brooke just doesn't understand that people aren't over this. People are still hurt. That is including Josh and Paulette. Just because they (Josh and Paulette) are together doesn't mean they aren't affected all the same. I just want to stop talking about it all and them in general. Who the fuck cares. She cut me out of her life and called me an enabler to her fucked up life and fucked up choices...I don't want a part in any of it.

It sucks for Josh and Paulie that she is even around. He wants a real chance with Paulie which I think is really sweet of him to just come out and say. He was talking to Mike about it sometime last week about how he wants to ask her out and make it official but he needs to stop with this whole Brooke and Kayla thing because he knows he fucked it up with Brooke that way. He said he's over Brooke but talking to her is going to hinder what he wants to have with Paulie. Honestly I don't think Paulie cares all that much and with all the shit her and Josh have been saying I would think that she trusts him completely.

Its all just a lot to handle. Paulette was texting me all Saturday morning with the cute things they were saying to each other. Gag me...seriously. Don't get me wrong its cute and all but...something feels awry here. Maybe its just me and things just feel so weird right now. I just want to focus all my energy on feeling good because Josh is really going to need a lot of positive energy come friday I just can't. I just feel in a funk if you will. Mike even commented on it these past few days. I don't' know whats wrong really. I just have nothing to say or talk about during conversation. There is no one to talk to in general that really is going to hear me or give me decent advice to anything and really I am just following the whole "if you have nothing nice to say don't say it at all" method to life.

Speaking of which I saw Brooke and Matt at the bean and said nothing to them. Apparently that makes me standoffish and a bitch but really I would have bitched Matt out for telling people that "his friend" was real sick and telling Brooke that Josh may use his cancer to get her back. 1. Josh is not either of their friends. He just acting nice to not cause an issue. 2. How the fuck can you say that about someone you know nothing about. Fuck you. for real. I had nothing mean to say to Brooke in fact I would have liked to say Hi or something but...After that journal entry then texting her about it I decided that really her friendship isn't anything I want to pursue. She hasn't done anything but caused me grief and put me back emotionally where I was a year ago. I don't need it. I am tired of her acting like everyone else is crazy for acting the way they are acting and not taking responsibility for what she is doing. In fact if she did people may have a little respect for her.

Its not even that its that she is crossing lines that affect a person as a whole. Saying and doing things you can't go back from and acting like she called me a bad name. Saying sorry in these circumstances isn't going to do anything. She called me an enabler...and all we did was explain how we felt and left it at that. What are friends suppose to do? Not say anything? I am pretty sure enablers help you make the terrible decisions, they put you in situations that help you make them. I am pretty sure we didn't help her drink. Or have a one night stand. Or go after our friends boyfriend. or get beat up by our friend who she lied to and said she was her friend. What she does and where we were was on two completely different continents. In fact with most of those we weren't even present or knew anything about what was going on.

So this is where we are all at. Cross roads. Did you bring your nocks? I did and I am leaving all this bullshit behind me.

"This year was weird and I know I gotta tell it, I'll write it like a hook I bet I could write a book, on how you could lose all your friends I swear I'd go to the end of this planet, just to find an escape, I'm afraid"

Making room

Extended

I never posted about this because I never thought to but the other night when we went over to Josh's Paulette, Mike and I were upstairs and talked to Brandy for about a good 15 mins. She seemed scared and I wish I could have granted her some peace with this whole thing. She told me how Kelly was a big dumb idiot and they are scared for Dereck because they won't go and get looked at. :/

I told Josh a little while ago that my mom was part of the Michigan Cancer Society and that she had a few friends a little higher up and to let her know if he needed anything. Josh agreed but being Joshs friend for so long I knew he would NEVER tell me if he needed anything. So I told myself to add Brandy on Facebook and let her know. I never did. that is until last night she added me. So I choose that moment to send her a message full of support, love, and bible verses that dealt with peace. Also I asked about Jays appointment and reminded her that she has A LOT of people praying for her whole family. I have a whole group of people outside myself I know are praying everyday for them. I am scared for them however I know that God will do his will and he will fight with Josh in this. The message she sent back to me made me tear up a little. Brandy said how she always knew we would all be friends again even if Brooke isn't there now. That Mike and I are such a huge support system for Josh that she sees a physical difference. Brandy also thanked me for Paulette. She said she doesn't know her well but Josh is clearly very happy with her and he needs all the happiness he can get from this. :,) This family may have a small bump but the road will be smooth again. I can feel it in my nuggets.

Speaking of Josh and Paulette she put her down payment on her NEW and IMPROVED APT LAST NIGHT. Josh tagged along and the guy thought he was in high school and then at the end said he knew josh would be there a lot. Cue the cheesy love music. ::rolls eyes:: Whatever :). Later she took me and show me the apt. Its awesome. Im excited for her and her room mate. she's right down the road from her last one but...its still in my opinion a lot better. Its a lot more open, wooded floors, has its own 24 hr laundry mat. I think its an upgrade. I think its the same price but heat and water is covered with this one so it'll end up being a lot cheaper.

Today Paulette and I are going shopping cause its my day off. Im pumped for clothing. Also we are heading to FISH BONES tonight in the D for Mikes big boy birthday din din. :) Its a New Orleans style restaurant so I know Josh will adore it. Im pumped for this as well. Hopefully Sam and Nevets will join us. WOOTWOOT!

Its not friday but...I wish it was.

I had a whole blog entry panned out in my head and I forgot it all.

Todays Mikes bday and we had din din and had fun. :)