Bike riding

So I bought a bike for 45 dollars yesterday. I am not sure why I did this. It was all on a silly whim. I got home from work was a little bit of a bummer and Mike asked me if I wanted one. I said of course, not really thinking of anything of it and he goes lets find one. So we sat around on craigslist for a good 20 mins I found it we called the guy and picked it up. So now I have a bike. We went on two bike rides already. CRAZY. I can't wait for it to be a little cooler out and we can ride a lot more. Jammers is coming over tomorrow and I am a little excited to show it to him and get some advice.

ALSO I am going to ask a few silly questions at work tomorrow about getting a paint job done on it. lololol. My body shop manger is gonna look at me like an idiot Im sure. However it is worth asking because id love to have that sweet yellow/orange color on it.

ANYWAY. So for some reason Brooke as been brought up a lot in conversation. For the most part I keep my mouth shut because I just want to avoid talking about it. However that seems impossible lately. Josh has had nothing good to say and neither does Paulie for that matter. They were all sitting there yesterday talking about Joshs surgery and he mentioned how he didn't want her there for a lot of various reasons. ::shrugs:: whatever. Then I guess they went and gave the kitten to Matt and she was acting ridiculous and pissed Paulie off by rubbing Walter in her face. Reguardless of the intent obviously Paulie misses Walter why would she want the one person who fucked everything up for her to be rubbing him in her face...right. Josh said she looked like she was on something or was intoxicated. Honestly that wouldn't surprise any of us.

I think Brooke just doesn't understand that people aren't over this. People are still hurt. That is including Josh and Paulette. Just because they (Josh and Paulette) are together doesn't mean they aren't affected all the same. I just want to stop talking about it all and them in general. Who the fuck cares. She cut me out of her life and called me an enabler to her fucked up life and fucked up choices...I don't want a part in any of it.

It sucks for Josh and Paulie that she is even around. He wants a real chance with Paulie which I think is really sweet of him to just come out and say. He was talking to Mike about it sometime last week about how he wants to ask her out and make it official but he needs to stop with this whole Brooke and Kayla thing because he knows he fucked it up with Brooke that way. He said he's over Brooke but talking to her is going to hinder what he wants to have with Paulie. Honestly I don't think Paulie cares all that much and with all the shit her and Josh have been saying I would think that she trusts him completely.

Its all just a lot to handle. Paulette was texting me all Saturday morning with the cute things they were saying to each other. Gag me...seriously. Don't get me wrong its cute and all but...something feels awry here. Maybe its just me and things just feel so weird right now. I just want to focus all my energy on feeling good because Josh is really going to need a lot of positive energy come friday I just can't. I just feel in a funk if you will. Mike even commented on it these past few days. I don't' know whats wrong really. I just have nothing to say or talk about during conversation. There is no one to talk to in general that really is going to hear me or give me decent advice to anything and really I am just following the whole "if you have nothing nice to say don't say it at all" method to life.

Speaking of which I saw Brooke and Matt at the bean and said nothing to them. Apparently that makes me standoffish and a bitch but really I would have bitched Matt out for telling people that "his friend" was real sick and telling Brooke that Josh may use his cancer to get her back. 1. Josh is not either of their friends. He just acting nice to not cause an issue. 2. How the fuck can you say that about someone you know nothing about. Fuck you. for real. I had nothing mean to say to Brooke in fact I would have liked to say Hi or something but...After that journal entry then texting her about it I decided that really her friendship isn't anything I want to pursue. She hasn't done anything but caused me grief and put me back emotionally where I was a year ago. I don't need it. I am tired of her acting like everyone else is crazy for acting the way they are acting and not taking responsibility for what she is doing. In fact if she did people may have a little respect for her.

Its not even that its that she is crossing lines that affect a person as a whole. Saying and doing things you can't go back from and acting like she called me a bad name. Saying sorry in these circumstances isn't going to do anything. She called me an enabler...and all we did was explain how we felt and left it at that. What are friends suppose to do? Not say anything? I am pretty sure enablers help you make the terrible decisions, they put you in situations that help you make them. I am pretty sure we didn't help her drink. Or have a one night stand. Or go after our friends boyfriend. or get beat up by our friend who she lied to and said she was her friend. What she does and where we were was on two completely different continents. In fact with most of those we weren't even present or knew anything about what was going on.

So this is where we are all at. Cross roads. Did you bring your nocks? I did and I am leaving all this bullshit behind me.

"This year was weird and I know I gotta tell it, I'll write it like a hook I bet I could write a book, on how you could lose all your friends I swear I'd go to the end of this planet, just to find an escape, I'm afraid"