colon cancer-gone, Lymph node cancer-fighting

We drove out to see Josh yesterday night. I am pms-ing so I cried there and I cried back but I managed to keep it to myself till then. His Mom crying was hard. Seeing them all try and distract themselves was hard. Seeing Josh lose it at the end of the night=most difficult moment of the night.

He went to the bathroom and his Mom went to help him with his "bag" and he came back out and put his head on the counter and just stood there. I walked over and started rubbing his back and asked him if he was ok? "I don't know," was his very frustrated reply.

We went to leave and I basically ran out the door. I guess with everything going on right now its just so hard. Mike and I having problems, Josh having cancer. I wish my focus didn't have to be divided. I wish I could equally care about each thing everyday completely. josh needs strong positive optimistic people and I am none of those things at this current moment.

All I could do was stand next to him, rub his back with one hand, and hold his hand with the other while he rested his heavy head on the counter. I almost broke down crying next to him. He gave me the biggest hug when we went to leave. I think him being scared is an understatement he has got to be terrified.

I am too.
.