Its getting harder to sleep

Sometimes there are things you don't want to talk about and you have to.
and
I hate being honest.
I hate telling the truth.
I hate hurting you.
I hate hurting.
I hate crying.
I hate pretending things are fine we they are so clearly not.
I hate the sick feeling I've had in my stomach for a week now.
I hate that I have no one to talk to about it.
I hate that even if I did, they would have no sound advice for me anyway.
No comfort from anything.
I am glad you're ok.
I am glad that work is going so well.
I am glad I have Johnnie to work with because he makes me laugh and helps me pretend my life isn't so...awkward.
I am glad that God has blessed me so much even when I feel like I may be being punished.

I just want to sleep.