Finally

I finally deleted those emails. I can't stand to think of where we were and when you lost your mind again. I feel kinda good about it. Took almost another year but its happening slowly and really the only reason you come to mind is really either out of habit or because of a friend. I think I am ok knowing I'll never let you in again. Reality is I'm hardened to thought of you as a person and the position you have taken in the backlight of my life.

Potluck today at work. Pumped for some of the amazing food that is up there.

Work has been oddly good. I'm a little nervous as to why it is. School semester is finally almost over. I am dreading math final. I've decided that of I fail again I'm going to take it OEOE and finish it in a week and not worry about it again. Blizzin math is killing me! I am almost to my degree there I can taste Madonna in the air. I am so close to finally moving towards what I want and honestly it feels so good.

Victims

I am not happy. However I am thankful for realizing early on in life that well it moves on. Time doesn't stop for you and you, yourself control everything that goes on in your life, good and bad. I am dealing with this bullshit school and this bullshit work but I'm still moving towards a goal. I am glad I finally got some good feed back at work. Disappointed at the outcome but I am glad that it was said to me non the less.
I went out with my sister to the casino this weekend and I am planning on a girls weekend to Mt. Pleasant for some gambling and pool party. Not sure when but its gonna happen. Its to bad my sister and I have no body we would want other then ourselves to go. ;) WAY better weekend just being the two of us. We had a blast downtown. I think it was just nice to do something out of the ordinary with someone I don't get to see often. She started FREAKING out when she won money. It was adorable and embarrassing all at the same time.
Mike and josh have been watching the Matrix movies since before I got home at 9. O.o They are CRAZY. Josh has been doing GREAT. I am so proud of him. I love him. He's fighting and winning and really thats all that matters.
I got the post secret app and really its the WORST MONEY IVE EVER SPENT and the best because I spend all my time on it.
Ive been chatting a lot via Facebook with everyone. (emily helenburg, Liz stutts, Sean long, etc) When sean gets back we are planning on a Karaoke night and margaritas. PUMPED.
This semester couldn't end sooner. seriously. I need sleep sooooooo badly.

I've learned.

you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.

it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts.

you can do something in an instant that will give you a heartache for life.

no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.

you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.

true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

just because someone doesnt love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how
many birthdays you've celebrated.

no matter how good a friend someone is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

there are many ways of falling and staying in love.

no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar, you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most.

the people you care most about in life are taken from you to soon.

although the word "love" can have many different meanings, it loses value when overly used.

love is not for me to keep, but to pass on to the next person I see.

there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it.

even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a
friendly pat on the back.

I still have a lot to learn......

Goodnight-seahaven

Goodnight my Love, my lovely Love. Goddamn shame to be a traitor.
I’ve got God in a shoebox under my bed waiting for my finger.
We both look better in the dark so I’ll do it while were sleeping,
that way I will not reflect my father’s defining feature.
The absence of consciousness, welcomes the presence of formulated manipulation.
I won’t feel a thing if you don’t.
Feel what I feel and you’ll find faith to believe in God.
God I need you, because I am familiar with the Devil.
I’ve been waiting for the sun to come and dry up all this rain,
but I’m caught out in the storm.
It’s three a.m. and I’ve got you good. I’ve got you right where I want you.
It must be easy to hold your tongue now with help from a forty-five.
“Next Exit: One Mile” it read, but you’re moving a mile a minute.
That gives you around sixty seconds before you reach your destination.
Where will you go?
I won’t feel a thing if you don’t.
Your safety came with distance but you foolishly fell into consistency.
Place your hand where it does not belong and I’ll be a reminder of your size.
Your steady way mirrors the end, the vibrance that fill the pillow behind the head.
The one you chose to live within, the one that said, that one that says.
Black quite quickly.
White next swiftly.
Oh so sorry.
Buenas Noches.

This was beautiful

We’re all born to broken people on their most honest day of living
and since that first breath... We’ll need grace that we’ve never given
I've been haunted by standard red devils and white ghosts
and it's not only when these eyes are closed
these lies are ropes that I tie down in my stomach,
but they hold this ship together tossed like leaves in this weather
and my dreams are sails that I point towards my true north,
stretched thin over my rib bones, and pray that it gets better
but it won’t won’t, at least I don’t believe it will...
so I've built a wooden heart inside this iron ship,
to sail these blood red seas and find your coasts.
don’t let these waves wash away your hopes
this war-ship is sinking, and I still believe in anchors
pulling fist fulls of rotten wood from my heart, I still believe in saviors
but I know that we are all made out of shipwrecks, every single board
washed and bound like crooked teeth on these rocky shores
so come on and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
come on and sew us together, tattered rags stained forever
we only have what we remember

I am the barely living son of a woman and man who barely made it
but we’re making it taped together on borrowed crutches and new starts
we all have the same holes in our hearts...
everything falls apart at the exact same time
that it all comes together perfectly for the next step
but my fear is this prison... that I keep locked below the main deck
I keep a key under my pillow, it’s quiet and it’s hidden
and my hopes are weapons that I’m still learning how to use right
but they’re heavy and I’m awkward...always running out of fight
so I’ve carved a wooden heart, put it in this sinking ship
hoping it would help me float for just a few more weeks
because I am made out of shipwrecks, every twisted beam
lost and found like you and me scattered out on the sea
so come on let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
come on and sew us together, just some tattered rags stained forever
we only have what we remember

My throat it still tastes like house fire and salt water
I wear this tide like loose skin, rock me to sea
if we hold on tight we’ll hold each other together
and not just be some fools rushing to die in our sleep
all these machines will rust I promise, but we'll still be electric
shocking each other back to life
Your hand in mine, my fingers in your veins connected
our bones grown together inside
our hands entwined, your fingers in my veins braided
our spines grown stronger in time
because are church is made out of shipwrecks
from every hull these rocks have claimed
but we pick ourselves up, and try and grow better through the change
so come on yall and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
come on and sew us together, were just tattered rags stained forever
we only have what we remember

Water

I fell
I fell in
I fell in and i swam
i swam harder then I thought I ever could
when I reached the shore i stood and ran
and when i ran i felt free
and i could see
and hear like i never thought i could
is this what it feels like to be happy?
freedom?
selfless?
weightless?
shell-less?
this heart is broken and it needs to be repaired
by who? I don't know
im scared

Eating lunch by myself

I am right now eating a delicious turkey salad and enjoying being out of work. I had a job interview last week for a Job I honestly would have loved. (not to mention a pretty hefty pay raise) I am going to assume I didn't get it and move on. It's possible there is something better coming my way.

Mike and I have been good.

My sister, brother-in-law and niece were all in town this last week. God she is getting so big and I actually kind of wish Megan and I could have more time together. I spent so long being mad at them and I wish I didn't because I actually really like them. Even Jason's wife, my sister-in-law, is really cool. Liz and I are talking about going in march to Seattle and then down to see Megan and spend some time with her. She also invited us to her birthday which she plans on having in vegas. Probably not but I told her id entertain the idea.

Anyway we had a surprise party for my step mother. Honestly I had fun. Mike and I played games with my dad. Sean got drunk with Aaron. Food was... Eh but it wasn't about that it was more about the time spent. It was pleasant.

Ok well my food is here finally so I am going to chowwwwww down. P.s. I am updating from my iPhone. Finally up to date ;)